Since she had watched that sports biopic, she was feeling inspired. Some days later, on an early-to-bed Sunday night, she decided to act upon it. She decided that she would wake up at 6:30 am in the morning and go running in the park. Everyday.
Monday morning, 6:25 am. She woke up before the alarm went off and got ready. She wore her worn-out sports shoes and thought to herself that she would buy new ones once she did it regularly. While running in the park, an animation played out in her mind of how her belly fat was burning. Fat, which consisted of the pizza that she had the other night. She felt happy to have burned those calories. Even though she had no knowledge of how the body actually works, her vivid imagination made her feel sure of herself.
Almost a week passed like this. On 2 of the 5 days, she managed to wake up precisely at 6:30. On others, it varied from 6:25 to 6:45. Still, she went running every day. If ‘running every day for 5 days straight’ is consistent, she was consistent. She liked that word and aspired for it. On Friday night, she went to a friend’s place for a house party. She avoided bread and alcohol the whole time. When someone asked her if she was on a diet, she said no and avoided talking about her running streak. She was scared that it would jinx it.
Saturday morning was hard. From opening her eyes at 6:35 to actually getting out of bed at 6:40, she heavily considered not getting up. But a minute into this doubt (which actually felt more), she had a breakthrough. She became more aware of the situation and could see that this was the point where most people gave up. She did not want to be most people. After a few seconds of intense decision-making, she got up.
Some more days passed like this. On Wednesday evening, she had to go to her cousin’s place for a wedding preparation for their family. She had a great time there. Late in the night, she insisted on leaving but her cousins convinced her to stay. She slept late. While lying still on the mattress at her cousin’s house (which was 5 km away from the park where she wanted to go running the next morning), she thought to herself that this was the real test. She carefully calculated everything. If she manages to wake up at 6:00, she would reach her house by 6:15. Then getting ready by 6:45, she can be in the park by 6:55.
She woke up at 9:00 with immense guilt. The guilt was enough for her to sink into it and not do anything for the next 2 days. Even though she was not ‘most people,’ she was now part of those who ‘eventually gave up.’ This was better but it was still not enough. She wanted to be one of those who ‘did it.’
Weeks passed in indecision. There was no motivation. No sports biopic. Even the self-help books did not work. Neither the atomic habits nor the 7 ways to. They made her feel good about knowing her problems but did not help at all in solving them.
One night, after the call with her father, she kept thinking about their generation. Her father had been having the same morning every day. How did he do it? Maybe he did not think much. In life too, he had clear goals. Getting a job, getting married, having a house. He had no other option. But now, due to over-exposure, there was analysis paralysis and an abundance of choice. For a moment, she thought that it would be better if she had no other option but to do it. If she was not so aware of herself. If there was less freedom of thought and some unsurpassable social pressure to just do it.
Her self-awareness was enough fuel for her to plan the waking up and running but it was clearly not helping her actually do it. Apparently, the ones who did it, just did it. They didn’t think much. She tried to not think at all but it was now hard to go back. Impossible, almost.
She overthought it for a while until she felt some more fatigue. She opened Instagram and started scrolling. The food reels were great. If you squeeze the air out of a water bottle and put the hole above the egg yolk, it sucks it up. That’s an easy way to separate yolk from the white. Lol, Jennifer Lawrence was so funny when she fell down at the Oscars. Woah, this interactive exhibition in Japan is so cool. Oh fuck, Israel and Iran are now at war. Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack. I wonder what’s happening with the people in both those countries? Why are ducks so funny? This running guy is so creative! He built his whole profile on just comedy around running. Are open relationships normal in Western countries? Maybe-
This continued for several weeks. Without her knowledge, she was back into the bunch of most people and not the ones who eventually gave up. Worse, she was now amongst the ones who didn’t even start.
;
One night, at a birthday party at a friend’s house, someone complimented her body and asked if she was working out. She was surprised to hear that and felt good. But then, one of her close friends commented that she actually thought she had put on some weight. The conversation went on to be about workouts and motivation and naturally, someone asked her if she ever worked out. ‘I’ve done it in the past, you know. I did it regularly for about… a month.’ She said confidently.
She was talking about the same week after the sports biopic. That week was now a month. It happened in a spurt. Her friends believed her and the conversation went on. She felt proud of herself for maintaining her image in front of those people.
But little did she know, this lying worked for her in a different, wonderful way. Saying it out loud, she believed it to be true. The memory of that one week expanded itself into a month. She thought that if she had done it in the past for a month then she is surely not one of those who just do it for a week. Her lie took her out of the ones who didn’t even start and directly put her into the ones who eventually gave up. This triggered confidence in her which was enough for her to feel hopeful about the future.
She decided to start over and this time, do it.
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