Dear One,
How are you doing? I know you must be doing great because they really
admire you. Especially in recent times, they have realized your value a lot. You
are cool, independent. Everyone wants to be you. Solo is the word. No societal pressure,
no binding forces, just a free and reckless life. It must feel good to have all
that attention. It must feel good to live life like there is no tomorrow.
Not so long ago, they also wanted me. I was the epitome of their lives. Loving
someone forever was what everybody aspired to. Everyone was romantic. It was
perfect. I loved the attention. Even the ones who had broken up knew my taste. Even
if they did not show, they preferred me. Heartbreak was a genre. Singers and
composers made careers out of it. Those who were alone were regarded as lonely.
One was looked at as sad and miserable. Two was the life that everyone wanted.
But maybe I got carried away in the spotlight. I asked for too much. I
made it all about myself. I expected all of them to be like me. I don’t know how
it happened, but it just felt perfect. A world full of pairs. And when I’m good,
I’m really good. The best. You also know it. Language fails to explain what it
feels like to be me when I am in my peak form. But when I get too full of myself,
it's trouble. And maybe that’s why I need you.
And I know you have friends. Three, Five. Remember that time when you befriended
Nineteen? I thought you would stop at some point, but you kept on going.
Shifting cities, switching jobs. I don’t even know if you have stopped yet. Sometimes,
I wonder if you do all this to just run away from the idea of being with me
alone. Or to just run away from the idea of being with yourself alone. When you
are with others, you have to be so much more. When you were with 30, you had to
act like you were 196. With S, you pretended like you were T. That’s very far
from being you. Can’t you see? One plus One is Two. With me, you can be one. With
me, you can be you.
I know I have my problems. I carry dependency, expectations, of the
present as well as of the future. I carry being responsible for each other’s
emotions. I also carry the heavy burden of narratives from the past. And sometimes
it gets dirty, I know. But I’m like that because I see too much. I see and
sense everything twice. Of course, there are clashes. Having a singular
perspective is impossible. But why don’t you also say anything?
I don’t want to take you for granted, but sometimes you make it so easy
to do that. How can it be my fault that you keep forgetting yourself when you
are with me? You can’t blame me for it all and leave in the middle of it like this
to be completely yourself.
I worry about you sometimes. I worry that this new language of money and
independence will just make you so lonely that you won’t even acknowledge that
you needed me. This language just seems to promote individual growth and the idea
of success so much that they have started forgetting me completely. Now, even if
they embrace me, it has a materialistic incentive to it. And don’t make the
mistake of misreading what I’m writing here. I’m not saying you need another One.
I’m saying you need what happens to you after you meet another one. And that
happening should happen. I should be born.
And I get it. I get the reasons for you to feel that you don’t want me. It’s
better to just carry your own emotional baggage and not let anyone down because
of you. It’s better to be responsible for your own shit and so that no one
blames you and you blame no one. It’s better to not have any expectations. But
it also comes with a selfish toxicity, you know. If it is harmful and annoying to
be only me, it is also equally harmful and toxic to be only you.
I’m not asking you to commit to me. All I am saying is that we can be together
while both of us preserve our own selves. You keep doing what you do, and I’ll keep
doing what I do. If we give each other space, if we manage to do that, we can
do wonderful things. Anyway, One can never be Two and Two can never be One.
Lastly, I don’t want to be alone. I also want you there. I promise that
I am not going to ditch you like I tend to do. On the contrary, I have realized
that I can only thrive if you are also present there. And if you look
carefully, most of them, almost all of them, want both of us. In balanced
quantities.
I think I need you. Not because One plus One is Two. I know that’s how I’m
born, but that’s my mere existence. I don’t want to just exist when I can live.
And I can only live if you multiply yourself with me. I want myself to be the
product of both of us, and not the addition of two Ones.
Because when you leave, I cease to exist.
Yours,
Two
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